Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Poliisi ja rouva
lisää mummoja englanniksi
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
> Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
> words, what happened to
> you on the first of April of this year?
> Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
> swing on my front
> porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man
> comes creeping up on
> the porch and sat down beside me.
> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
> Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
> Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
> Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
> Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that
> since my Abner
> passed away some 30 years ago.
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
> Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
> Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel
> all alive and
> excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that
> I just laid down and
> said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!
> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
> Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April
> Fool!" And that's
> when I shot the little bastard!
>
> Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
> words, what happened to
> you on the first of April of this year?
> Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
> swing on my front
> porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man
> comes creeping up on
> the porch and sat down beside me.
> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
> Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
> Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
> Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
> Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that
> since my Abner
> passed away some 30 years ago.
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
> Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
> Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel
> all alive and
> excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that
> I just laid down and
> said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!
> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
> Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April
> Fool!" And that's
> when I shot the little bastard!
>
* ORIGINAL IS BEAUTIFUL *
"Natseilla oli järjestys. Junat kulki aikataulussa. Kahdeksalta asemalla. Oli natseilla juna. Aina tasalta siinä. Raiteilla kulki natsi." - Rauno Repomies -
"Natseilla oli järjestys. Junat kulki aikataulussa. Kahdeksalta asemalla. Oli natseilla juna. Aina tasalta siinä. Raiteilla kulki natsi." - Rauno Repomies -
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!